*insert random stupidity as I have nothing of value to add…*
One of the most outlandish past time of modern times is the uncommonly skilled and unprejudiced pub sport of Dwarf Throwing.
Unfortunately for the sport many of the ‘politically correct’ people in society are making claims that the name ‘Dwarf’ is degrading for its sportsmen and that the term ‘Dwarf Throwing’ should instead be replaced by the more suitable title of ‘propelling persons of restricted growth’. The people who actually compete in the sport do not support this political uproar; they simply want to be thrown.
Unlike dominoes this pub sport can be played by anyone, as the need for heavy consumption of alcoholic beverages as preparation purposes is completely optional, but strongly recommended. Both men and women can play and even compete against each other head to head, unfortunately for the men the women who generally participate tend to have male like qualities i.e. feminists. This has meant the customary swapping of shirts at the end of each competition has been scrapped, due to the womans constant complains that the shirts given to them were always too small and that they wouldn’t want to wear the shirt of a ‘chauvinist pig who got his kicks throwing persons of restricted growth anyway’
Large muscles, strong legs and the arbitrary beer belly, are the physical secret weapons of a true dwarf-throwing athlete however, to fully master the sport the athlete must also possess the strength of a ox, the speed of a leopard, the timing of a magician, the patience of a predator and the appearance of a rather large bull sitting on a wasp.
In order for ‘persons pacified with their horizontally perpendicular circumstances’ to take part in a throwing competition they must always wear full protective clothing. Injury is a serious threat to the career of a Throwing Dwarf who, if on tour, can gain a six figured monetary value for allowing people to share in their very specialised field of expertise.
Unlike golf this is a true spectator’s sport worthy of any Olympic games but thanks of the interventions of ‘persons who negotiate a humour deficiency’ no professional body 1 has been created to globally organise and fund what can only be described as the only sport that promotes an unprejudiced view of society.
The aim of the game:
Simple, the person who throws the dwarf furthest wins.
Rules of the game:
At time of writing, no official rules have been created for this wonderful sport.
Specialised equipment needed in order to successfully throw a dwarf:
One mattress, soft and clean
One Dwarf, willing
Harness with a handle, as throwing aid
Safety equipment
True stars of the sport:
Lenny the Giant (My Hero)
Little Mr. T
Danger Dwarf
“Wee” Robbie
Sporting chant
This dwarf is made for tossing,
and thats just what he’ll do,
One of these days this dwarf,
is gonna toss all over you…
“Dwarf Throwing” by The Slamheads
Chorus:
Just how far can you throw
a flying dwarf that doesn’t know your name?
We’re anxious to show
a brand new sport, come join our lofty game
Listen well and you’ll hear them say
“Oh, it hurts when I fall but I love the pay”
When they hit they might bounce up
or they might leave skid-marks on the floor
Their pads and helmets stop the pain
and they walk back here to be thrown some more
(Chorus)
George was a miniature pilot and friend
Once launched by a champion he met his life’s end
Dóna Éis Requiem
Our friend George has met his end
(Chorus)
